Since  1996!

*****AudioProsPrep*******
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Hello AudioPros! As you can see, we've switched over to an HTML version of our FREE show prep. If you can't read the items below email us: stone@audiopros.com then click here: http://AudioPros.com/subscribers/AudioProsPrep012203.htm

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TAKING OFF.......UH TAKING IT OFF!
Ladies and gentlemen please bring your stewardess to an upright and locked position. Castaways travel has arranged for a May 3rd, charted flight from Miami to Cancun. Not only can you loosen your seatbelts after reaching cruising altitude, but don't forget to loosen the rest of your clothing, as it is optional on this Naked-Air flight. Security screenings should be fairly quick on this flight!

CLINTON 101
The University of Arkansas is offering a course on the Presidency Of Bill Clinton. They will examine and discuss all the aspects of the Clinton Presidency, the good and the bad. Many former Clinton officials will guest lecture to no doubt put a good spin on the scandal plagued prez's tenure. There's rumours even Bubba himself may join the class for a session.

THIS ARREST "Brought to you by..."
Police departments across the country (US), increasingly strapped for cash are buying into a North Carolina company's idea. SPONSORED police cars. The company provides FREE CRUISERS to the departments in question in exchange for the right to paste NASCAR style stickers to the cop cars. Thus far, 100 police departments in 20 states have signed contracts with Government Acquisitions for the sponsored cruiser deal.

YOU CAN'T CARD ME
Don Meyer stopped into the Pick N Save to get some non-alcoholic beer. The clerk wanted to card him. Mr. Meyer was ticked off. Not only because the beer was non-alcoholic, but because the WWII vet is 76 years old! The pick N Save has begun carding EVERYONE who tries to buy alcohol.

DON'T MESS WITH THE COACH
Edmonton Oilers coach, Craig MacTavish lost his cool during a game against the Calgary Flames the other night. So, did he rush onto the ice and start laying into one of the Flame's players? Nope, he ripped the tongue out of the Flame's mascot Harvey The Hound. It seems Harvey had been taunting the coach as they were losing the game an MacTavish reached out and yanked the porr poches tongue out and threw it into the crowd.

OOOOOOH HANDCUFFS, HOW SEXY
An unidentified woman in Britain went into an erotic lingerie shop, attempting to maintain her anonymity,  with some friends. She saw the erotic handcuffs and just couldn't resist. One problem. The cuffs jammed and despite the best efforts of store employees to remove the pesky cuffs they couldn't get them off. What do you do? Call the Fire Brigade in to help out, then what? A crowd gathers of course to revel in your embarrassment.

THINK US ANTI-SMOKING CAMPAIGNS ARE TOUGH
A Japanese company, Japan Tobacco Inc has rolled out the SmoCar for Tokyo's smokers. Recent STRICT regulations in Chiyoda ward in the heavily congested district of the city prevent smoking OUTDOORS. Fines can reach $170 for a violation. So, the SmoCar is a mobile smoking lounge the Japanese have set up in the busy section of Tokyo.

ALLRIGHT KID, BACK AWAY FROM THE SWING
The British are up in arms because they had to close some swings at a playground that's been operating for 25 years. The issue? The swings are 2 feet too tall according to the European Union "Swing Rules". By the way. There have been NO ACCIDENTS on the swings in the 25 years they've been there.

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office, restless and
wondering whom to invade next as there had been
several years of relative inactivity, when his
telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice
said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp pub in County
Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed
important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's
calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next
door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
one million men in my army waiting to move on my
command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you
back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on!  We have managed to
acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam
asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and
Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we
last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get
back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock pub have joined us as
well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000
bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex
is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army
to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have
to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top
o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you
that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the
sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over
a bunch of pints, and there's no way we can feed two
million prisoners."

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Church signs

 1.  CHURCH PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY!  Trespassers will be baptized!

 2.  "No God - No Peace.  Know God - Know Peace."

 3.  "Free Trip to Heaven.  Details Inside!"

 4.  "Try our Sundays.  They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

 5.  An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone
 tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline
 that reads, - "For Fast Relief, Take Two Tablets."

 6.  "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water
 before you know how strong they are."

 7.  "Come in and pray today.  Beat the Christmas rush."

 8.  "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."

 9.  "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-Smoking."

 10.  "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives."

 11.  "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and
 the pay is low.  But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

 12.  "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

 13.  "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

 14.  "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

 15.  "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain
 eternal fire Insurance soon."

 16.  "A ch__ch is a church when (U R) in it.

 17.  "In the dark? Follow the Son."

 18.  "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
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